THE SNIPERS WE COULDN'T SEE

THE SNIPERS WE COULDN'T SEE is Karen Comba's memoir of rare power, a harrowing and intimate portrait of the far-reaching, generational effects of severe mental illness. Told with determination and searing honesty, this book recounts the shattering details of growing up as the prime target of her schizophrenic mother's mental and physical abuse.


Much like Jeanette Walls in The Glass Castle, Karen tried to find ways to bury her own history in the hope that nobody--especially herself—would find it. THE SNIPERS WE COULDN'T SEE will strike a chord with anyone whose childhood was defined and dictated by a parent or loved one with mental illness—and who is painfully aware that it still has a profound effect on the choices they’ve made—or haven’t made—as adults. 


Many will relate to Karen Comba’s regret that she held back and didn’t reach her potential as she struggled to get past what had happened in her childhood. Far too relatable is Karen’s completely unwarranted role as her mother’s designated “enemy” who was inarguably the recipient of most of her mental and physical abuse. As the quiet child who retreated instead of acting out, she’s a firm believer that we must help rescue kids early—or they will live with it forever. 


Now 64, Karen realized that she was still living with the footprints on her back. She spent years in therapy that was primarily centered on trying to understand her mother’s illness and how it led to the physical and emotional abuse toward her. While therapy through most of her adulthood proved helpful, she’s found a therapist in recent years who has a far better understanding of how being trapped in the crossfire still dramatically affects and informs her everyday life. 


By sharing her story, she hopes to reach out and give a voice to young people who are trapped in the same predicament--and to encourage more people to get involved instead of leaving the innocent, healthy child to largely fend for themself.

The Snipers We Couldn't See is available from your local independent bookseller, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Itasca (a new online bookstore for small presses).

Q & A

  • Why did you write the book?

    Over the years, it’s become clear to me while talking to people that “this animal is bigger than we know.”  Whether I speak to adults whose childhood was ruled by a person suffering from mental illness, or teachers who tell me that they need better tools to identify and reach out to kids in their class who might have a problem at home, it’s clear to me that sharing our stories is still vital to understanding and healing.    


    I wanted to open a dialogue with other people who are still feeling the fallout. Time and again, I’ve talked to people who’ve been encouraged to find a way to “just be happy that you got out of there.”   What’s missing from the conversation? The shared feeling that people like me have that I didn’t reach my potential and held back as a result of coping with my mother’s illness.  The realization that if we don’t learn how to treat ourselves better, we never will.  


    The book has given me another mission:  to work with parents, relatives, friends, neighbors and teachers to get kids the help and support they need. Thankfully we’ve grown in leaps and bounds in terms of learning about mental illness since I was growing up, but I think everyone agrees that we must find better ways to get to the kids caught in the crossroads


  • What did you learn about yourself while writing the book?

    Despite years of therapy and self-examination, I couldn’t have predicted the anxiety and acid-like pain of unearthing things still buried inside of me.  Tears kept falling. Feelings of loneliness, vulnerability, the feeling of abandonment came to the surface. There I was again, fully realizing why the child in this situation doesn’t say anything the feeling of being stigmatized.  There were moments that I worried that, once again, people wouldn’t “get it” and that I was making a mistake to trust people with my feelings.  


    Like so many women I’ve spoken to, wished I had been angrier about what happened.   I realized the anger was beaten out of me, even though the footprints were still on my back.


  • What was your husband Curt’s reaction to reading your manuscript?

    Much of the book was a complete shock to him. It was quite painful for him to experience the true depth of what happened to me as a child.  And he was left with the feeling that he should have been more determined to ask me about it when we first met. The truth is that I’m not sure that I wanted him, or anyone for that matter, to know me that well.  I don’t blame him in the least: most people don’t want to pull things out of you—particularly unhappy ones.

    It became evident to him that the piercing emotional suffering I had endured as a child was sure to leave extremely painful exit wounds as an adult. He expressed deep sympathy for this little girl who could not protect herself from her mother, and now fully understood why I was predestined to be taken advantage of-- and manipulated--as I grew into young adulthood.


  • What didn’t kill you, made you stronger?

    No. I understand people wanting me to find that silver lining in the cloud, but it’s just not the case. In many ways, as Bob Seger would say, I’m “like a rock,” but that also means that I spent much of my adult life enduring things that others would simply have walked away from—or avoided entirely. 

  • When did you become conscious that your actions and decisions as an adult were still profoundly influenced by growing up with Evelyn?

    While in my late 30s. I began exploring the self-hatred, self-doubt, and anxiety that was installed inside of me via therapy. I began to realize that I was angrier at my father (who I absolutely adored) than I had imagined. To be perfectly honest, many therapists were far better at trying to get me to understand my mother’s illness than helping me to deal with the how it was still dramatically affected my own life.  My current therapist of xx years has done a terrific job at helping me to better find realizations and solutions given my wiring. 

  • Have you reached a better understanding of your mother as an adult?

    The honest answer is yes and no. Intellectually, there’s now a terrific amount of information out there about the causes and effects of schizophrenia. Clinically, it’s easy to see that the mother who showed no signs of love and affection towards me was a very different person than the one who gave birth to me.  


    Emotionally it’s a different story. “It wasn’t you; it was her” is cold comfort. And I’m sure that this bumper sticker adage would go nowhere with a kid who was experiencing mental and physical abuse. 


    When I had my first child at 20, I found myself wanting to help my dad care for my mother.  While I’m glad to have done it, I can’t honestly say that it gave me a dramatically different perspective about our relationship, especially at that age. 


  • You were the one who was singled out for Evelyn’s anger—how did this specifically affect you then—and into adulthood?

    I’ve heard all the theories as to why I was her target (e.g., I was the oldest, I was the one most like her, I was her potential replacement) and none of them really hold any weight for me—or give me any comfort or solace 


    As a child, I often felt like they wanted to get rid of, meant that I was part of the problem. As an adult, it has made me a bit of a loner.  I must accept that my younger sister is better able to distance herself from Evelyn’s mental illness and that my brother, by and large, believes that it didn’t happen.  A few years back, my sister thanked me for taking care of her while we were growing up.  It meant the world to me.  


  • What are some of the positive things that did make a difference in your childhood?

    Looking back, the smallest things made a huge difference. The little girl over the hill who invited me over to play with her unknowingly made a huge difference.  Being invited over to other people’s houses where there was a routine and a sense of calm. Watching families who functioned gave me hope and optimism that things could be better.


    Looking back, I realize that my mother’s love of food and cooking did provide moments of calm and camaraderie amidst all the drama. 


  • You’ve given a tremendous amount of thought to how we can better reach out to children who are caught in the crossroads as early as possible. Can you share some of your insights?

    Everyone I’ve spoken to has said the same thing: though society has grown in leaps and bounds in terms of understanding and accepting mental illness, it doesn’t necessarily follow that the kids most affected by it are not able to reach out and get help and support. 


    When I speak to teachers, they’re quick to admit that they’re still better equipped to identify trouble at home when a kid is causing trouble in school.  Given that I was the quiet kid who retreated in school, I hope that everyone begins to see the kid who is hiding might be crying for help.  


    One of the things concerns me is that people might overreach in terms of reaching out to these kids. I grew up in a very different world, but I still worry that kids won’t open up if they get the feeling that they’re being interrogated—or that the adult who is trying to help them will immediately going to their parents. 


    “Are you scared?” is the sort of question that I would love for someone to have asked me.  It’s just the sort of open-ended question that a kid might not answer the first time but will eventually see as an invitation just to talk to someone. 


  • What can people do for the person who is schizophrenic that would help someone like you who was caught in the crossroads?

    Don’t shun the person with schizophrenia.  I could see people running the other way. When they look at the children in that home, know how hard it is for them and the trauma and betrayal they are feeling. The confusion, shame and isolation they’re feeling which leads to stress and anxiety.

REVIEWS

Dogwoman

Revelational read….

This book grabbed me from the first page….and I finished it after two sittings. Karen is to be commended on so many levels: she pulls no punches describing her life growing up with a mom with severe schizophrenia and a dad who did everything possible to keep the family life going, all the while trying to protect her brother and attempting to make sense of herself in relation to an abusive, detached and often delusional mother. Karen’s brutal honesty is complemented by her ability to be introspective at every age. She is neither apologetic nor manipulative; she shares a deeply intimate story of survival, warmth, personal growth and acceptance, as well as humor, compassion and tenderness. I am honored to know and love Karen for the remarkable woman she is….

Raye Van Slyke

A MUST READ!

A powerful true story of the pain a child can go through living with a schizophrenic mother that can affect you as an adult. This heartbreaking story will capture you on the first page and will not let you put it down. A book of strength and inspiration. A definite must read!

Stacey

An incredible memoir of love and light from an incredible woman❤️

When I read the first sentence of this book I knew I was going to be moved in profound ways. Karen Comba tells her heart wrenching true story with incredible strength and love. Despite her very difficult childhood, this is a woman who emerged stronger, kinder, more loving, and committed to helping others. I am in awe of her and so inspired by her courage to tell the world her very personal journey as a way to bring others in similar situations hope and love.

kay osentowski

An Amazing Survival Journey Through the Eyes of a Brilliant Daughter of a Schizophrenic Mother.

This book gripped me from the first sentence. The author Karen Comba shares her heart wrenching and powerful survival story. Growing up with her Mother who had Schizophrenia is truly an eye opening venture into the darkness, and then her emergence into the light. Karen Comba's honesty and truth are to be honored.

Tracy Huerta

Captivating

Karen really took you back to her childhood and guided you thru the events that happened throughout the rest of her life so far. She put mental illness up front and showed you what it is from the perspective of a loved one. What it does from the outside looking in. She has you captivated from the first line to the last.

Kindle Customer

Fantastic book! Be kind to others, you never know what struggles people could be facing.

Best book I’ve read in a very long time! I couldn’t put this book down! Even if you don’t grow up with mental illness in your family, the message I got was to treat people with kindness because you don’t know the struggles people live with on a daily basis.

Nicole K.

Must Read!!!

The Snipers We Couldn’t See by Karen Comba is a must read! I was hooked within the first few pages and I couldn’t put it down! This story provides mental health awareness as well as gives hope for those who may be experiencing the trials involved within mental illness and everyday life.

Susan Marchant

This memoir will help those suffering in silence while being raised by a schizophrenic mother.

This important memoir will scorch your soul while you read it. The unspeakable abuse, both mental and physical, caused by a schizophrenic mother raising her daughter is heartbreaking. This story also demonstrates how the desire for attention and love can drive you to make poor choices. The author’s intent is to share her story to help others suffering a similar childhood as her own healing process continues. One can only hope that the author, too, can reap the rewards of the strength and resolve she had to find in order to write this memoir.