For Book Clubs

Wally Lamb’s acclaimed New York Times bestseller, I Know This Much Is True told the fictional story of a brother struggling to care for a schizophrenic twin brother became both an Oprah’s Book Club selection and Emmy-award winning HBO miniseries. He writes:

"Karen Comba's heartfelt new book gives voice to the quiet kid in school who couldn't cry out for help. THE SNIPERS WE COULDN'T SEE will strike a chord with anyone whose childhood was defined and dictated by a parent or loved one with mental illness—and who becomes painfully aware of the damage that is carried well into adulthood. I salute Karen Comba for having taken us with her on this harrowing but ultimately victorious journey."

The small things that other adults do matter tremendously: 

The people who invited Karen into their homes and into their lives made a profound difference in Karen’s childhood. Even being at a friend’s house where there was order and calm provided a much-needed escape. The sad truth is that too many relatives, friends and neighbors ran as far away from Karen’s mother and the situation as possible. This increased Karen’s shame, and directly led to more stress and anxiety.

What seems to be helpful or sympathetic often has no affect—or the opposite effect.

The constant drumbeat of telling a child “It’s not you, it’s them” and “you know, your mother loves you very much” isn’t especially helpful in helping children cope with the feelings of loneliness, vulnerability, and abandonment and the everyday anxiety of worrying about “what happens next.” Talking about the rough things in your childhood is not something they can relate to—or that’s particularly helpful.

Attaching complex, clinical diagnoses is often, inadvertently a way to try to convince people that “they shouldn’t get too emotional about it.“ For example: 

While psychological theories abound as to why someone like Karen was singled out as her mother’s biggest “enemy.” none of them have given Karen her any comfort or insights into the long-term effects on her psyche. They don’t begin to tackle to the self-hatred that was instilled in her—or the feeling that her decisions weren’t good enough. 

Educators want (and need) more education: 

Karen continues to be thrilled that our understanding of schizophrenia and how to better treat those who are suffering from the condition continues to grow in leaps and bounds. And yet, when she’s spoken to schoolteachers about the topic, many of them confess that they’d like far more information about how to broach the topic with students without putting more pressure on the child. All too often, the kids who act out and cause trouble in school are easily identified as having a problem at home, whereas the quiet kid is more difficult to figure out.

The parent who is dealing with a mentally ill spouse needs to inform other adults who are important in their children’s lives. 

Karen’s father lived in an entirely different era where these matters were considered a family matter and he feared that telling others would further distance people.

Creating courses about mental illness in schools would go a long way in helping kids to both understand what may be going on their lives or the lives of their friends. 

In private, adults could focus on listening and asking kids “are you scared?” rather than asking a battery of questions that sound like an interrogation—especially when living with a mentally ill parent often represents a relentless interrogation.

Some adults wear their anger on their sleeves—some like Karen feel they’ve had the anger beaten out of them. 

Karen wishes that she were like other people who were better able to express anger into adulthood. In her quest to learn more about the issue, she’s observed that many females relate to her.

Finding a ”soulmate” who finally “gets you” isn’t always the answer.

Karen’s fourth marriage of 15 years is a happy one, but the entirety of her childhood trauma wasn’t revealed to her husband Curt until he read her manuscript a few months ago.

It doesn’t make you stronger. 

Telling someone that they have, in many ways, come out stronger as adults—or are better able to deal with difficult times and difficult people is somewhere between cold comfort and completely tone deaf. People who offer “be happy that you just got out of there” are often saying it to someone with life-threatening bullet wounds.